The following day Dr.Sanchez, who had performed the operation came to see me. ‘Everything went fine’ he said. I tried to make an ‘English’ joke with him. ‘The operation was a complete success even though the patient died’.
Dr.Sanchez did not understand my sense of humour and with a puzzled look for just a moment… continued to give me his opinion… it was nothing serious ,he had removed all the ‘bad bits’ and I would be fine. Of course we would have to wait for biopsy results but he had assured me and I felt the relief ,cancer was not mentioned again.
Three days later, some tubes were removed that had been in place for drainage. The nose tube however would have to stay for the moment. I would also be fed through a tube which was attached to a vein in my neck. A large plastic bag arrived with my name on it, full of what looked like milk. ‘Dinner’ said the nurse. We both laughed as I asked what was in it ‘Anything you like’ she said…so each day we would make up a new menu of what the ‘Milk bag’ contained.
The bag was heavy and although I tried ,it was difficult to try and walk with so much equipment attached to me but I could sit in a chair and was able to move my legs. I wanted to go home .
The doctors came to see me everyday including Dr.B.
Each day I felt a little stronger , my strength slowly but surely beginning to return and I just knew inside me the dark cloud had passed and I was going to be fine. I was so happy .I did not have cancer.
Two days later , finally, the nose tube was removed. I cannot begin to explain the relief. My throat was sore and bled a little from the tube, plus it had ben painful to try and speak.Stephan said nothing more beautiful than a wife who cannot answer.
After several days, the doctors told me that it was time for me to try and eat. I had not eaten for days and had no desire for food. But if I did not show them I could eat I would not be allowed to go home.
Hospital food is not the best way to go when you have no desire for food. A tray arrived with what looked like a sole from a shoe. This I was informed was fish. (It also tasted like a sole from a shoe) What ever they gave me I ate . I was eager to go home.
The feeding bag was removed and I was now able to walk up and down the corridor of my ward. It was not easy even after years of excercise spending so much time in bed ,I had lost the strength in my legs. I felt sick and woozy.
All of these hiccups soon passed and the day finally came when the doctors said I could go home. They had still not received my results.
Stephan brought clean fresh clothes ,unable to shower due to my wound we managed together to freshen me up as best we could. I sprayed my favourite perfume ‘Quadrille’ by Balenciaga….after what I had been through there would be no more keeping things for ‘Best’ or special ‘Times’…Today and right now is ‘Special’ thats all that matters.
Dr.Sanchez came to speak with me and said I want to see you in my office in three weeks. I will remove the clips then.(stitches from my stomach)
Stephan and I thanked all the staff , we gave gifts of chocolates and cards…they had been so good to me I could not find enough words to thank them.
I left the hospital for what I thought would be the last time. It was over and life could begin again.
Three weeks passed and I felt great . The metal clips in my stomach now beginning to irritate .I looked forward to seeing Dr.Sanchez and him removing them for me.
We both breezed into his office that morning with nothing on our minds except where to go for lunch . I also wanted to do some shopping. I told Stephan with all of the weight loss, I needed new clothes. I still only weighed 50 kilos.
Dr.Sanchez stood and greeted us and asked after my health ,while gesturing me toward the bed . He ,with his nurse by his side started to remove the metal clips. The flesh had started to grow over the clips and it was painful having them removed.
I shall never forget the moment. Stephan was sitting in a chair ,which was just as well, when he asked about the biopsy results ?. Dr.Sanchez continued with his work on my stomach and said ‘Yes, both tumours were malignant you have breast cancer’
I have read in books where the author writes ‘She took a sharp intake of breath’ and thats just what I did, as I looked at Stephan. Both he and I were speechless. I have said before surgeons are like machines ,they really do not worry about your emotions.
I went and sat next to Stephan, we both, lost for words. Dr.Sanchez handed me a card saying I must go to Oncology and make an appointment. ‘Your case is the first we have ever seen, I want to see you again in three weeks’ We were dismissed, the nurse calling for the next patient.
I walked out of his office and kicked the first thing in front of me, it was a chair. Fuck,fuck,fuck….I shouted. The hall was full of people but I did not care.
Stephan and I went straight to see DR.B. I was livid to be told in such a harsh cold fashion I hated Dr.Sanchez and his cold ways. I wanted to know why Dr.B. had not told me. I trusted him and he too had let me down.
We walked into his office and sat down. I said ‘Is it true, do I have cancer’ He looked at me and said ‘Yes’, cancer in the stomach,colon and spine. ‘In my spine I have cancer in MY spine?’ ‘Yes’ he said. I lowered my head and began to cry.
‘Dani, Dani look at me…’ I looked up…’Do you trust me?’
I said yes of course I do.? ‘ OK then, you and I BOTH are going to take on the battle and the BATTLE is to win.’
He started to talk about chemotherapy. ‘No’ I said there will be no chemotherapy. He tried to convince me but there was no way I was going to have chemo. no way.
I asked him how long I had to live. He shook his head and said he did not know. I pushed him for an idea he must have an idea he was a doctor, he said five years.
Dr.B. explained to me with chemo I stood a good chance of a full recovery ,my chances were high ,as high as 70%. He told me I was young and not to throw my life away. But I was stubborn and said ‘no chemo.’
We left Dr.Bs office and walked to the car, neither of us spoke. We did not do lunch or shop, instead we came home and cried,we cried for the future, the unkown future that was about to wreck our lives.
THE LONGEST DAY......
While I had spent my time beating up NHS furniture, Stephan had made an appointment for me with the Oncologist.
The days to follow were the darkest , raised voices ,screaming ,crying ,both trying to make the other understand their side of the argument….neither wanting to listen. I would hear Stephan crying when he thought I was sleeping. When I managed to sleep, I would wake at
I did, after a lot of very hurtful words said to each other, neither of us can ever take back, agree to meet with the Oncologist. I think we were both shocked by our love and how easy it had turned to hatred…hatred for me not caring any more whether I lived or died.
My Oncologist, another Dr.Sanchez (female) explained to me all the side effects of chemotherapy, finally she said as though only an after thought…your hair will fall out.
I was also surprised at how soon I had to start chemotherapy…just six weeks after surgery…any longer and the risk of the cancer tumours returning in my stomach much greater.
I explained to Dr.Sanchez I wanted to go to England and visit with my mother who was very sick. It was almost Christmas and I needed to see her. Dr.Sanchez told me I did not have that kind of time, chemo must begin ‘now’ if I wanted to beat this. My cancer was grade IV.
I had decided not to tell my family I had cancer ,they had enough with the worry of my mother. However, I needed my mother, I wanted to cry in her arms and for her to make it all better, the way she did when I was a child. Had I known this would be my mothers last Christmas , I would have risked everything including my life, to hug her one more time and see her beautiful smile.
I to this day cannot remember that Christmas, something in me has blocked it out.
Two weeks before Christmas I had my first session, there were many people of all ages but I am glad to say children are in another part of the hospital. I think at that point to have seen a child with cancer would have been more than I could bear.
I was taken to a cubicle ,Stephan was allowed to stay with me as the treatment began ,first an anti sickness drug followed by….
…..my treatment, a bright orange liquid. I don’t know what I expected ,pain? possibly, but nothing, it was no different to having a saline drip.
A nurse offered me sandwiches and orange juice. I had both. The first treatment lasted five hours. I was booked for five more sessions, one, every twenty one days.
For the first couple of days I felt fine, no sickness, no tiredness, in fact I though maybe I will be the first who will not have side effects. This moment of thought was short lived. The third day I awoke with a sore throat ,it was hard to swallow. I slept all day and was too tired to even brush my teeth.
The tiredness enveloped me like a thick blanket. I had to get up and get dressed because I had appointments at the hospital. The heart can be damaged and the eyes also by chemo. I needed to have both checked. Stephan spoke with the nurses in both departments and the fact I had just started chemo..I was lucky and seen almost immediately.
The days passed in a blur. I have already mentioned I cannot remember Christmas or New Year , if we even celebrated. I do however, remember the day my hair started to fall out. A couple of days before, my head felt on fire, burning itching pain. I scratched at my head as though I had fleas, a handful of straw like hair came away in my hand.
It had started .I was not going to be the ‘First’ who did not have side effects. I would be like all the others, a bald walking corpse.
Stephan came home and before he had a chance to walk through the door I started on at him. ‘LOOK’ ‘LOOK’ this is your fault. I told you I did not want chemo…just look at me’ Stephan tried to hold and comfort me but I pushed him away and told him I hated him for making me do this.
Such is the reaction of a woman who loses her hair.
Three, four days went by and hair was falling everywhere but I still would not give in, maybe it will stop falling out. Stephan at this time said Dani let me shave it for you…’No,No, I do not want to be bald, I REFUSE to be bald’ he said if you let me shave your head I will shave mine also, we will both be bald.
When a moment of love touches your heart, it is like the sun, the warmth and inner glow I felt for Stephan . My wonderful husband had offered to shave his head to keep me company. I laughed at the thought of us meeting with friends who did not know of my cancer and what they would think. Bizarre or quite ,quite mad?
I made a deal .I would let Stephan shave my head but ONLY if he promised not to shave his own.
We had a deal.
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