CHEMOTHERAPY: TWO MORE SESSIONS TO GO

Yesterday,was cycle five, this is my second time for the return of my cancer.

I have a wonderful Oncologist and we discussed my latest Pet-Tac which was clear and went on to discuss my first Pet-Tac and both biopsy results before being diagnosed with cancer and we both reminded each other that all results were negative....rare but it does happen. Therefore for us the Pet-Tac is just a guide line it does not mean I am cancer free.

My cycle should have been six sessions but we have decided on a seventh just to be sure...after this I will have a scan to see if the liquid where my cancer lives (behind my bladder) has disappeared. If not , I guess there will be more treatment BUT thats for another day I do not want to think so far a head, one day at a time is about all I can manage.

I wore a new wig for the occasion , my brightest pink lipstick and smart clothes. I always face these sessions with the image I am not sick...and many told me how wonderful I looked yesterday. It helps, it helps a LOT.

When I enter the Oncologist ward everyone looks so sick, heads wrapped in scarves and with a yellow pallor, gaunt, tired....I of course without the 'image' look the same. BUT I am a fighter and I refuse to let cancer do this to me.

My husband, my carer, was brilliant yesterday, the needle was placed in an akward position in my hand, it was also uncomfortable. Once treatment begins the need to pass urine comes often and I was unable to undo my trousers,so along he came to assist me on no less than nine occassions. Moments like these I remind myself how lucky I am and how that man will go to the end of the earth for me without a moments thought.

Last night the pain began in my bones my entire body on fire, I cried and sobbed as the waves of shivers to hot flashes wracked my very soul. My husband,  held me all night and stroked my bald head with one or two tufts that refuse to give up the fight. He says they make me look cute.

This morning I took morphine for the pain and slept most of the day, my husband had to work and has returned exhausted, I apologized for keeping him awake all last night and said tonight I will sleep in another room. 'You will not, I want you next to me, so I may hold you'...' me too' I said.